Though I May Rue the Day I Told the Truth

Though I may rue the day I told the truth
As it completely took away my life
I'm certain no lie could have passed my tooth
Though Honesty'd slice through me like a knife.
To build my hopes and dreams upon a lie
To become the mealy-mouth that I hate
Never to get to me before I die
I envisioned these dourly as my fate.
To great men and minds I wished to aspire
Loathing to become like my nemesis
Though consequences have gone beyond dire
Of clarity it's been my genesis
Real world considerations I ignored
And found Virtue to be its own reward.

- Michael J. Farrand

Old & Tired

I'm so sick of things we never did
And everything I'm not.
I could take all the complaints you're giving me
If you'd just give me your best shot.

I want to live in a dream
Where no one keeps a secret.
Be the child you never were
And appreciate it this time.

Will I always disappoint you?
Will I never save the world?

No regrets -
Cuz you haven't lived yet!
Reality is waiting for you
Just around the bend,
But you never have to answer.

What's there to do with all this time
We've been given?
Can't seem to find anything worthwhile;
You're certainly not on my list.

Elegy

This fantastic poem by Dylan Thomas came up in the Francis Schaeffer book I'm reading: The God Who Is There. The author's broad argument is to trace the modern way of thinking - what he calls the "line of despair" - down through different areas of culture. Music and literature is one of the last, and in here it finds exemplary expression.

Too proud to die; broken and blind he died
The darkest way, and did not turn away,
A cold kind man brave in his narrow pride

On the darkest day, Oh, forever may
He lie lightly, at last, on the last, crossed
Hill, under the grass, in love, and there grow

Young among the long flocks, and never lie lost
Or still all the numberless days of his death, though
Above all he longed for his mother's breast

Which was rest and dust, and in the kind ground
The darkest justice of death, blind and unblessed.
Let him find no rest but be fathered and found,

I prayed in the crouching room, by his blind bed,
In the muted house, one minute before
Moon, and night, and light. The rivers of the dead

Veined his poor hand I held, and I saw
Through his unseeing eyes to the roots of the sea.
(An old tormented man three-quarters blind),

I am not too proud to cry that He and he
Will never never go out of my mind.
All his bones crying, and poor in all but pain,

Being innocent, he dreaded that he died
Hating his God, but what he was was plain:
An old kind man brave in his burning pride.

The sticks of the house were his; his books he owned.
Even as a baby he had never cried;
Nor did he now, save to his secret wound.

Out of his eyes I saw the last light glide.
Here among the light of the lording sky
An old man is with me where I go

Walking in the meadows of his son's eye
On whom a world of ills came down like snow.
He cried as he died, fearing at last the spheres'

Last sound, the world going out without a breath:
Too proud to cry, too frail to check the tears,
And caught between two nights, blindness and death.

O deepest wound of all that he should die
On that darkest day. oh, he could hide
The tears out of his eyes, too proud to cry.

Until I die he will not leave my side.

My Soliloquy

To grad school or not to grad school--that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler for the mind to suffer

The weight and burden of outrageous courseloads

Or to take arms against a sea of schooling

and by opposing...join them? To live, to sleep--

No more--and by a sleep to say we end

The naptimes, and the thousand natural cycles

That flesh is heir to. Is a fatigued lifestyle

Devoutly to be wished? To wake to read--

To read--perchance to learn: ay, there's the rub,

For in that wealth of stacks what insights come

When we have shuffled through enormous texts

Must give us pause. That's the respect

That lends ambition to so much of life!

For who would bear the lack of social time,

Th' professor's long and proud lecture series,

The pangs of papers due, the marker's delay,

The incompetence of offices, and

That long, patient path to merit one takes,

When he himself might his living make

With a Bachelor's degree? Who would bear

To toil and write all through a wakeful night,

But that the dread of missing something great,

The Ivy-covered country, from whose bourn

No imbecile returns, confounds the will,

And makes us rather seek those goals we have

Than be confined by what we know naught of?

Thus conscience does immobilize us all,

And thus the naïve lack of resolution

Is sicklied o're with a pale cast of doubt,

And applications of great importance

With this regard their completion recedes

And cannot name a program. -- Soft you now,

The fair Master's Degree! -- Friends, in thine orisons

May my choice be remembered.

Ugh, I need help with grad school: should I go? If so, where and for what?

SO CONFUSED.

more work

shout out to all my fellow bloggers ^^!

ive been very busy, but todnts of ay sitting in the library, i felt the urge to do something creative - something i havent dont in a while. plus, adam says hes been writing poetry, so that got me to thinking, "i used to do that too!" =P. so here we go, a lovely rough draft of what i was thinking. [uhoh!]

I am like a cloud:
not that I am gentle;
I am but a moment of water.
Not that I am pure;
my body clings to fleeting dust.
Not that I am serene;
for I can never rest.
My path lies beyond horizons.

well? i cant decide on the exact wording of the last line, but i thought id at least get it out there for now & think about it later =P
neway, ive got some sleeping to do!

Poetry

I'm Such a Hypocrite

We're so alike, he and I
me and him,
us.
and I hate him.

He never stops talking about her!
How much fun they have together,
How they met
How he loves her
A crackling fire, growing ever hotter
Whiter
Now bluer.
How they're in love,
and I have to sit there and take it.

Well I can't anymore.
What about me?
He never thinks about us,
About how we met.
The dented blue car,
forlornly stationed on coarse gravel.
About how we used to be...
and I can't understand it.
How he could hurt me so much.
How he could hate me so much.

Should I be happy for him?
I know I should be, but
I can't.
If he can give up then so can I.
The green porch, always warm.
Blurry pinpricks of light.
I won't think about it anymore.

And that's when I realise it:
What have I done?

yay for poetry... *sigh* what would we do without it. now here are some haikus. i <3>

Wonderful haikus:
A sucker punch to the neck;
Broken and gasping.

Intimacy
Weeping in the rain.
Personal pity party;
Tickets still unsold.

Days Passed In Thought

What if some thoughts are destined to silence
What if some things are never meant to be said
What if someone never knows
What if someone never hears
What if somehow we feel the same
Though I'll never say it out loud
I must give my thoughts no sound

I've been here before
Where you've laughed at my heart
I've been here before
Now I've learned to be smart
I'll keep my thoughts secret
That look of yours I can't bear anymore

What of the thoughts I've held so long
What of my mind's captivity
What if you were to hear me
Silence is my fortress
Reticence my shield
Affection is the war I fight
Upon my battlefield

So what if I'm a coward
So what if I'm never heard
And I've said too much already
So my lessons aren't yet learned

~ To every friend I've never told how much you mean to me *hugs*
I love you. Thanks for being there.
LIC =D

Back In Prison

seems like ive been back at school for months when its only been.. 3 days -_-. *SIGH* and exams coming in less than 2 weeks?! looks like theyve resurrected their plans to squash us all under mountains of work.. *thud*! this shall be a short post because i still have calculus hwk, but i just wanted to update.
i thought that chapel today was amazing. all those people getting up there to pray, and the worship too - beautiful. theres one thing i was thinking for myself tho. a prayer of thanks to my God for never abandoning me tho i do it to Him too often to count. what excuse is it to say that im too busy for Him? He listens to a globe full of hearts simultaneously as we run blindly through the thick, dark jungle of life, and yet i have the gall to pretend i have too many things on my plate to listen and spend time with Him!! i could kick myself!!! but i wont and i know it. im too stubborn and stuck in my ways to do anything except write a pittiful post about the conviction i feel.. *sigh* wow, i just realized how human i am.
LIC & GodBLESS =]

ps. dont worry about this.. just some words ive been messing with.

If you tell me I'm beautiful
I'll tell you you're blind.
If you tell me you love me
I'll tell you goodbye.
Its not just self-loathing,
I just know that I fall.
If you think that I’m perfect
You don’t know me at all.

If I tell you you’re blind
I can’t see what you see.
If I tell you goodbye
Would you follow me?
Fallen is what I am
That’s all that I know.
Any good that’s inside me,
You’ve caused it to grow.

Back On Track

ive noticed lately that there hasnt been much substance to my posts, just random copying & pasting stuff. not that theres anything wrong with it, because honestly, i just havent been in the mood. and id like to apologise again for that last angry post.. thought it was good to get it out and hey, what are blogs for? =P so i thought id just post a little update here instead of my usual fluff, to let those of u who care know how im doing. yeah, ive been pretty cranky these past few days, just in case u hadnt noticed =P, and im not 100% sure why. a combination of tiredness and ppl in general just getting on my nerves. now, i know better than to let ppl affect me like that, but when i get reli tired defences go down and those little chips ppl try to take out of u start adding up. and so today was the last straw. i wanted to take my frustration out on my law textbook by tearing it into confetti [and if u know anything about that monstrosity i call a "textbook".. lol]. so when i finally got home, the only book i could even bear to pick up without throwing across the room in anger was =P my Bible. and so i opened it to where ive been reading, Psalm 61:
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
[emphasis added =P]
that was all i needed to snap me out of my downward mood spiral =P. haha i recall the words of benson on my blog when i was stuck in my last funk.. get into the Word. because as it has proven itself once again, there is nothing else in the world so radically, stunningly true that can shock u back into reality with God once again. so i thank you Father. that you care enough about each of us to send us your Truth. *folds hands*
Love, in our loving Father, =D.

Here I sit, just minding my own business
And here you come with your sledgehammer
Threatening to smash me to pieces

I dart out of the way just in time
To hear the dread thud pound behind me
Why are you so set out to destroy me?
A small, hard, insignificant brick as I?

Now, you have me backed up against a cliff
That wild, vindictive look in your eyes
Oh, what did I do to deserve this??
I try to shield myself as I wait for the impending blow that will obliterate me
As you send all your strength to your arms to bring vengeance down upon my head

But it never comes
For though I have fallen off the edge,
And you think you have won,
Bricks such as I have been given wings to fly
So I have been rescued.
I am saved.

Sad Thoughts

so i dont know whats with me and writing my sad thoughts down. theyre just so much easier than happy ones. heres one i wrote at random. just something strange. but i want to post it and a reply a friend of mine wrote back.

mine:

ill just stand in the crowds and watch as you walk by
while hundreds of fans scream, "we love you!!!"
you'll smile and wave
and walk right past me
and see right through me
though i used to know you
and you knew me too
my heart, my mind, my soul
i told them all to you
and now i see
im just another face in the crowd

friends':

I'll stand above the crowds looking down upon faces
traveled the world, diverse culteres and places
Ill hope and hope with each passing smile
To find that one face i've searched for a while
The one i may never see, in dreams it'll have to be
Till then ill just listen to whispers of the soul
Your heart, your mind, it never gets old
Ill stand above those faces and crowds
Yell your name, no matter how loud
So i can jump down and stand by ur side
only to lift you above them all
and up towards the sky

yes well that tis all. i know i dont post a lot and so not many ppl will read this. tis ok
LIC =D

Inspiration

hehe yeah im random i know.. but well i was driving home from school today and i saw these perfect hills of grass in front of some fancy corporate buildings and decided to write something about it =P. well as you'll probably guess, ive never actually written a sonnet before ^^ so dont read it unless u like wierd poetry =P. Here goes:

I, the Weed
Gazing through the chain link fence at the sight:
The endless hills of youthful-looking grass
Glowing green. To join would be all delight,
But ev'ry blade knows I'm not of its class.

For I, the insidious weed, disgrace
The ideal flawlessness of the smooth lawn.
I could never compare to the pure face
On each slender stalk where all eyes are drawn.

Why are they the object of man's desire?
Is it impossible for weeds like I
To astonish, be loved, and then inspire?
But the world's iron fence won't let me by.

I turn ev'ry page and look in between,
Then sigh and close my fashion magazine.

haha ^^ i love how random it is =P. neways... back to hwk then i suppose. ciao!
LIC
melzz =D