What To Think

A good many thoughts have been swirling around in my head as this whole Cablegate Wikileaks fiasco goes down. Mostly they relate to what kind of a societal state we (in North America if not elsewhere) have created to cause this whole affair to take place.

We are:

- more informed, but less wise
- more politically corect, but less respectful
- more capable, but less sensible
- more diplomatic, but less honest

Further thoughts as they come, and as I read through some of the original documents.

Though I May Rue the Day I Told the Truth

Though I may rue the day I told the truth
As it completely took away my life
I'm certain no lie could have passed my tooth
Though Honesty'd slice through me like a knife.
To build my hopes and dreams upon a lie
To become the mealy-mouth that I hate
Never to get to me before I die
I envisioned these dourly as my fate.
To great men and minds I wished to aspire
Loathing to become like my nemesis
Though consequences have gone beyond dire
Of clarity it's been my genesis
Real world considerations I ignored
And found Virtue to be its own reward.

- Michael J. Farrand

Too Good Not To Share

Foreign Policy published this statement by Liu Xiaobo, a Chinese writer and political dissident, which he gave just before being convicted of subversion in China. You stumble upon gems like this every now and then. It expertly conveys the strength of his feelings: love for his wife, freedom, and the future of the country about to imprison him. Like the title says, too good not to share.

If I may be permitted to say so, the most fortunate experience of these past twenty years has been the selfless love I have received from my wife, Liu Xia. She could not be present as an observer in court today, but I still want to say to you, my dear, that I firmly believe your love for me will remain the same as it has always been. Throughout all these years that I have lived without freedom, our love was full of bitterness imposed by outside circumstances, but as I savor its aftertaste, it remains boundless. I am serving my sentence in a tangible prison, while you wait in the intangible prison of the heart. Your love is the sunlight that leaps over high walls and penetrates the iron bars of my prison window, stroking every inch of my skin, warming every cell of my body, allowing me to always keep peace, openness, and brightness in my heart, and filling every minute of my time in prison with meaning. My love for you, on the other hand, is so full of remorse and regret that it at times makes me stagger under its weight. I am an insensate stone in the wilderness, whipped by fierce wind and torrential rain, so cold that no one dares touch me. But my love is solid and sharp, capable of piercing through any obstacle. Even if I were crushed into powder, I would still use my ashes to embrace you.

My dear, with your love I can calmly face my impending trial, having no regrets about the choices I’ve made and optimistically awaiting tomorrow. I look forward to [the day] when my country is a land with freedom of expression, where the speech of every citizen will be treated equally well; where different values, ideas, beliefs, and political views . . . can both compete with each other and peacefully coexist; where both majority and minority views will be equally guaranteed, and where the political views that differ from those currently in power, in particular, will be fully respected and protected; where all political views will spread out under the sun for people to choose from, where every citizen can state political views without fear, and where no one can under any circumstances suffer political persecution for voicing divergent political views. I hope that I will be the last victim of China’s endless literary inquisitions and that from now on no one will be incriminated because of speech.

Musings of a Recent Graduate

For the past several months I've been searching online for jobs, internships, schooling opportunities, etc. While most of these I'm automatically excluded from by required previous experience, I occasionally stumble upon paths that a) I could actually do and b) I would thoroughly enjoy. Then there always comes a roadblock to my surety:

- Working knowledge of two or more languages - Oui, je pense que c'est vrai... belki. (Fr: Yes, I think that's true... Tr: maybe.)
- Valid G or G2 Drivers license - Really?? Rats.
- [Travel experience (is an asset not a requirement) - CHECK AND DOUBLE CHECK! If only that were the only qualification.]
- Can passionately advocate for preferred smartphone - lolwut?
- Is eager to meet and exceed objectives and take on more responsibility - Maybe if it involves me travelling more.. or if their office supplies cabinet needs reorganizing... mmm office supplies (I have this thing for office supplies, as you may know.)
- Deliver public speeches and workshops - Sure, but they give me butterflies sometimes.
- Resourceful, self-motivated and energetic - I know myself; I'm not always energetic.

Apparently applying for these things requires a lot more thought, effort, and confidence than I anticipated. Sitting at home and waiting for a job to come to me suddenly sounds like a really good option!

Since my convocation ceremony on Saturday my family and friends have been especially encouraging by conveying their confidence that I will soon decide what to do next year and beyond. "I believe in you." Is that all it takes to motivate me? I think if the sentiment were empty I would be able to tell. The knowledge that this statement is grounded in genuine relationships and its resonance with my own self-confidence compel me to act. I am always motivated against disappointing others; that could work in my favour here as I strive to get started on this thing they call "real life".

Old & Tired

I'm so sick of things we never did
And everything I'm not.
I could take all the complaints you're giving me
If you'd just give me your best shot.

I want to live in a dream
Where no one keeps a secret.
Be the child you never were
And appreciate it this time.

Will I always disappoint you?
Will I never save the world?

No regrets -
Cuz you haven't lived yet!
Reality is waiting for you
Just around the bend,
But you never have to answer.

What's there to do with all this time
We've been given?
Can't seem to find anything worthwhile;
You're certainly not on my list.

Have I Changed?

I was just thinking today about what will be different about me when I return to Toronto:

- I'll be a year older than when anyone last saw me;
- I'll be graduated from my BA;
- I'll have learned another language (more or less - functionally);
- I'll have doubled the number of countries I've been to; and
- I'll have lived on my own and handled all my own affairs for almost a year.

My friends might not recognize me!! Haha. No but seriously, the things that have changed are mostly internal. I'll have a lot of new stories to tell, but I wonder if there will be any tangible difference in me. Will people notice? Will we pick up where we left off?

I don't know. I think I want to seem different somehow.

Eternity

I'm not a person who's generally afraid of death. I look forward to spending eternity in the presence of God! I've heard that heaven's supposed to be a pretty swell place ;)

Still, I don't know why, but I think it might be good to just be dead for a bit before going there. It'd be nice to just have some time to rest after all this living. Being an introvert, I'll need a bit of down time before I spend eternity with all that joy and contentment and awesomeness.

Incredibly heretical, but I have thoughts like these sometimes.

The Marriage Supper

Drew & Becs' wedding this weekend was fantastic. I haven't had that much fun since.. well ok, maybe since Mauritius, but that was a different kind of fun. This was the fun had purely through the enjoyment of one's friends. It was so beautiful. I did the reading for the service, which I was so thrilled to be asked to do! It's because I did that reading at the book club a few months ago & they liked it. I read Revelations 19:5-9 & 21:1-5. I was SO nervous, especially because Drew's vows had made me cry:

"Becs, you were my first kiss when I was 15 and you will be my last."

Fantastic. I have real respect for that man. I regret the mistake I made though! They wanted to exit to a certain track, which Drew told me was #9, and since I was having so much trouble with the machine, when #9 wasn't Beyonce & Jay-Z's "Crazy In Love" I couldn't change it!! ARGH, sucks. Well, danced the night away for the second night in a row and had a blast doing it.

Weddings always make me think, though. Of course I think about my own occasionally, but then I think about... well, how I still don't really want to get married. This then makes me think of Bathsheba Everdene and how she was of that opinion originally too. Then what to do with feelings like these:

I'm not myself lately I'm foolish, I don't do this
I've been playing myself, baby I don't care

Yeah, cool people quote Beyonce in their blog posts. I'm jealous of people who have their wants & decisions sorted out like that. People who are my age and even younger! I feel so immature, naive, and selfish when I'm around them but what can I do?

God has plans for us, to bless us and not to harm us. Sometimes I really wonder what He's got cooking up there.

Vivid Memory

Today I suddenly remembered something that always upset me when I was a kid.

I used to always fall asleep in the car on the way home from school with my mom & sister. Usually there would be errands to run before getting home and if I was asleep my mom would take Joy and let me sleep. The problem for me was that I would sometimes wake up and find myself alone in the car. I was still quite young at the time (though old enough to be left by myself for a while) and I remember being alone in that car in a large parking lot with no one around. There would be so many stores around that I wouldn't even know where to start looking should I have been brave enough to leave the car. The clock in our car was digital, so I could never check the time. I would have no idea of how long I'd been alone and no idea when or even if (in my mind) they would be back for me.

My first response was always worry, then usually tears. As I got older though, I stopped crying about it, since I knew it wouldn't bring anyone back to me any faster.

Of course now it's not a problem at all. I've learned how to be by myself. Weird though... I wonder why this came back to me so vividly. I can almost feel the hot tears stinging my eyes again.

A Goal In Mind

I've been discontented lately. So many people have things to celebrate: new relationships, engagements, marriages, new jobs, school acceptances, etc. I don't have any of those (not that I want all of them, but still). My graduation is upcoming, but I'm not even sure when that will happen. Though I am looking forward to spring break.. I mean more the kind of thing that people have earned or worked hard for. What have I worked hard for recently? I don't know.. nothing, really. I need a goal: something to run towards.

Hm, what should it be?

Elegy

This fantastic poem by Dylan Thomas came up in the Francis Schaeffer book I'm reading: The God Who Is There. The author's broad argument is to trace the modern way of thinking - what he calls the "line of despair" - down through different areas of culture. Music and literature is one of the last, and in here it finds exemplary expression.

Too proud to die; broken and blind he died
The darkest way, and did not turn away,
A cold kind man brave in his narrow pride

On the darkest day, Oh, forever may
He lie lightly, at last, on the last, crossed
Hill, under the grass, in love, and there grow

Young among the long flocks, and never lie lost
Or still all the numberless days of his death, though
Above all he longed for his mother's breast

Which was rest and dust, and in the kind ground
The darkest justice of death, blind and unblessed.
Let him find no rest but be fathered and found,

I prayed in the crouching room, by his blind bed,
In the muted house, one minute before
Moon, and night, and light. The rivers of the dead

Veined his poor hand I held, and I saw
Through his unseeing eyes to the roots of the sea.
(An old tormented man three-quarters blind),

I am not too proud to cry that He and he
Will never never go out of my mind.
All his bones crying, and poor in all but pain,

Being innocent, he dreaded that he died
Hating his God, but what he was was plain:
An old kind man brave in his burning pride.

The sticks of the house were his; his books he owned.
Even as a baby he had never cried;
Nor did he now, save to his secret wound.

Out of his eyes I saw the last light glide.
Here among the light of the lording sky
An old man is with me where I go

Walking in the meadows of his son's eye
On whom a world of ills came down like snow.
He cried as he died, fearing at last the spheres'

Last sound, the world going out without a breath:
Too proud to cry, too frail to check the tears,
And caught between two nights, blindness and death.

O deepest wound of all that he should die
On that darkest day. oh, he could hide
The tears out of his eyes, too proud to cry.

Until I die he will not leave my side.

Album Review: The Saving One by Starfield

Listen & follow along with the first 3 songs @ Starfield Online.

01 The Saving One*
The first thing I thought when I heard Tim's voice was that it had changed quite a lot! It's still the same old great vocals though. A great title track! Excellent drum fill @ last chorus!! W000 you'll wanna turn this one up REAL loud ;D

02 Rediscover You
I think I've heard the tune before, just not sure where. Some great lyrics on this track. It sounds like a brave passionate confession: one that you can get excited about but is no less contemplative.

03 Declaration of Dependence
"More than temptation's kiss" is my favourite line in this song. Digging the strong power beat and drums. I have a friend who's been struggling a bit in her faith & I think I might send her a few of these encouraging ones.

04 No Other Saviour*
The fading beat sounds like that Massive Attack song they use as the theme song for House. Really strong & rich chorus. Great build to the end!!!

05 Something To Say
First quiet track. Probably the most confession-based lyrics. Tim hits new heights with his voice in this one! Love the build near the end. Beautiful song!

06 Absolutely
This would be great acoustic. It's got a chorus that's easier for me to feel than to say.
I want to add that when Starfield makes one-word titles, that word is at least 3 syllables. I like that. (I just do, ok?)

07 Overwhelm
Probably my least favourite track on this album. The chorus is pretty awkward and the song could use a bit more work, in my opinion. Not bad, but if I was going to leave a track out, it would be this one.

08 Top of Our Lungs*
Whoa, Starfield techno! Or at least the closest thing to it. I bet you anything this is the song they use to open every concert when touring this album. It's hard to make a near monotone chorus work, but they make it work here!! And it gets more interesting near the end! Great work on this one.

09 Glory is Rising (a.k.a. Beautiful the Sound)
This track goes on my "List of songs with my name in the lyrics." (Yeah, I have one.) Other than that, nothing sticks out for this track. (Haha I'm so self-absorbed.)

10 (I Need a) Father
Pretty good, as father-based songs go. Again, probably more powerful as an acoustic song, but nice.

Overall, a 3.5/5, I think. I wouldn't say it's better than their last album, I Will Go, but then again I feel like this is exactly what I need right now. Thanks again, Starfield! Can't wait to hear this one in concert (hope they're still touring for it when I get back to Canada!!!).

* Favourites


Jesus, You have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus, I am Yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with You

Graduating

With a lot of prayer and a little luck I'll be graduating with my BA from York this spring. Or at least that's how it's been working so far. I received an email on Monday from my graduation assessor that although my application was late (like I would know. I was living it up in Japan.) as long as he had my final transcript from Koc by the second week of May I could graduate on time. Yay! My only concern about that is of course the fact that final exams here are scheduled for the first week of June. Last semester, all the professors were lenient about early finals since most of the exchange students had to leave early, but they didn't also need their transcripts early. Our transcripts for last semester weren't mailed out until the second week of February: about a month after final exams.

Before leaving, I wasn't too concerned about graduating with my class. I thought that graduating in the fall would be just as good and doable. However, recent occurrences have made me think more about working abroad next year, which poses a serious threat to me attending the fall convocation in (November?) 2010. (My mom would KILL me if she didn't get to see me graduate and take photos of me in a gown and silly cape-thing.) This would make a timely graduation more attractive.

Hey, nothing's set in stone yet, so no need to worry too much yet. (Telling myself that won't stop me from warming up my worry machine though.) (On a semi-related subject, a sleep machine should do more than help you sleep; it should sleep FOR you! That's false advertising.) Anyway, I'm off to watch some Turkish TV, read my book on religion and international conflict resolution (really interesting), and recuperate from this rather aggressive cold I'm now fighting. Wooooo!

Grand Adventures

It was one of my New Year's Resolutions to write more. Needless to say, it has not gone very successful thus far. That failure aside, I have been very busy! Ten days in Hong Kong, two weeks in Japan, and one week in London have made for the most eventful month-long vacation of my life. I've done some things I've always wanted to do, seen some things I've always wanted to see. Allow me to mention some highlights.

• Finally made it to East Asia
• Become so accustomed to eating with chopsticks that spoons seem foreign
• Hiked mountains in search of adventure
• Seen sumo wrestlers, geishas, and punk lolitas in the same city
• Eaten fish so fresh it had been caught mere hours previous
• Seen the fragile pink blossoms (plum, not cherry) symbolic of Japanese springtime
• Shopped for outrageous fashion trends
• Felt a part of ancient Asian cultures and traditions
• Seen the Pacific Ocean from its western border
• Made friends with Japanese schoolchildren
• Slept in a capsule hotel
• Seen Mt. Fuji
• Strolled along the River Thames
• Lived (really lived) in cities that are ancient, artistic, and intentional - something that can't readily be found in North America
• etc.

There is so much more to say, and I have it fairly well catalogued in my mind, in photos, and other more tangible things, so it'll stay there for now.

I've also had several shocks to my system and sometimes reshocks upon leaving these places. Numerous time zone changes, altitude changes, climate adaptations, languages, beds slept in, new friends met and separated from - all the while living out of one suitcase. I won't miss that part of lengthy travel stints. I'm really looking forward to being stationary for more than one week at a time and even going back to the routines of school, friends, and church life. Indeed, my travels have given me an appreciation for routine and stability in life that I never had before. I had always thought these things were what people resigned themselves to when they no longer expected to get much excitement or enjoyment out of their situation. But no, there is value in it: a value that I had overlooked. I won't go so far as to say that my wandering spirit has been satisfied, but at least it has met its opposite: the spirit of home.